Late Night / Early Morning Post

It's 4.33am now and I must be mad to be up now and posting.

I thought yesterday evening would turn out well, but it wasn't so much like what I expected. Hugs yes, kisses yes(no french), but argument - yes too. All because of a little misunderstanding. I somehow feel that he's changed? I mean, he never used to raise his voice at me. He used to tolerate all my nonsense calmly. But today, he was so loud on the way hoome that I'm sure every passer-by could hear him. Quite weirdly, I was the calm one today. I didn't grow angry like I used to. I talked to him slowly, and peacefully. But hell no he didn't take it.

Aunty vaguely mentioned that there might be prayers for his ancestors this weekend so try not to go out. Okay so I misunderstood and told him not to go out. Then for some reason, he flared. He claims that his mum tells me before him to use me to manipulate him. Drastic, isn't it? I told him there was no need to get so agitated - afterall paying your respects is only the right thing to do. But he went on about how he's made plans for the weekend, yada yada. I tried telling him that if this happens in my family, I'd choose to go pay respects over our date. Wrong move, he totally lost it and kept saying he did guard duty on wednesday for nothing(it was supposed to be on saturday).

When I got home, I hurried to ring aunty to tell her what happened and asked her to explain things to him. Shortly after I got a ring back from her and yc was yelling away at her in the background. Bloody rude, the way he speaks to his mum. There, poor aunty was trying to clear all the misunderstandings while he was just scolding her. One thing I can't stand, is when guys are so rude especially to their elders. It's totally disrespectful. Doesn't he love his family anymore?

I know he puts me as priority above all. I know I'm supposed to feel important. But no I don't. I feel freaked out sometimes. He turns down friends' gatherings, family business like this, dinners, and whatever with the claim of it being "so he can spend time with me". Thing is, I've told him repeatedly to go ahead but he never listens. Doesn't the other people in his life matter to him anymore? I don't wanna be the sole person in his life. I'm afraid I won't be able to handle this huge responsibility. Plus I know whatever he doesn, he expects me to do similar stuff, if not the same for him which I know very well I can't cuz i my life, there's a lot more than just him alone.

Dear diary I promise I've really tried. I didn't flare up at him. I didn't shun him, I didn't neglect him. The outcome isn't very pleasant still. The problem doesn't lie with me.. right? I think he's getting obsessive. And sorry, but I can't take that.