maybe i'm invisible?

Hate it that whenever I blog it seems to be about events like this. Where has the joy in my life escaped to? Whatever it is, I hope it returns really soon. I need you k pls.

I haven't got a clue what's wrong with Mum. Something horrible is transforming her into someone so cold, so heartless, so much that I barely know her anymore. When you catch her in a good mood, you must be in the best of luck. Otherwise you're a goner. Making her repeat her answer is like a taxing chore to her, and she'll express that irritation really explicitly with an annoyed snap which I feel is totally uncalled for. If she was in my shoes, she'd probably have given me a bad scolding or worse, a slap.

Just minutes ago, she came yelling at my dad cuz he wasn't clear why my phone bill was so high this month. She shoved the bill at him and insisted she wasn't cheating him of any money. Like, wth Mum, please! Whoever said you were cheating anyone? Why do you have to get so defensive and skeptical. Is all this nonsense even necessary?

And last night, when I was so damn worried about the tube going down through my dad's nose, she was so heartless and totally counldn't be bothered. When I asked her what happened? I hated her for her reply. She said, "how would I know? I didn't do anything to him hor." Foor goodness sake, no one's against you so stop being so bloody defensive. And no matter how much you hate him, he is your husband, the father of your kids. How is it possible for you to be so cruel and unfeeling?

I don't know who lies beside me in bed every night anymore. It used to be my mum - my kind, caring, fun-loving and compassionate mum. Whatever's possessed her now, you're a bitch. Get out of her and grant our family some peace.

whirls in my head.

I'm worried. Is there something wrong with Dad?

Overheard him on the phone with someone about poking some tube down his lungs. I'm very afraid. I have totally no idea what's wrong. I pray with all my heart that he's fine and healthy.

I love you, Dad.

when life is draining away..

Am feeling so so so extremely tired now I don't think I can stay alive for econs tuition later. What's more, I still have to work on our GP presentation for tmr when I get home after tuition. Think I might die before presentation anyway.

Feeling so temperamental today, guess it's largely due to the fatigue. Plus my dear maths tutor is giving me more reasons to dislike her. Went for consultation today and as usual when I told her I didn't understand complex numbers all she could come up with was some lousy reason that I haven't been to lessons. What The.... Hell. Yeah just go on with it, say I'm forever not at tutorial. Bet it makes your life way easier cuz you don't have to explain stuff. If that's the case why be a bloody teacher in the first place if you don't want to commit. You're a bane to students. Sucker.

Gonna work on GP, hope things get better. And I hope A is not pissed with me cuz of the stupidest reason that I'm pissed with the maths tutor. Even if it's for GP, I don't see why so chill. No point getting pissed at anyone, not like things are gonna get done that way.

To sum it all up, school sucks.
On a side note, thanks baby for sending me to school today, really appreciate it. :)

my heart's beating so fast i think it's gonna stop any time soon

I don't know what am I even doing here wasting the supposedly precious time I have to finish up my essay on Othello. Hate it, I know I sond bloody whiny and everything but I have no idea how to epress myself? Saying that I'm feeling stressed is so... like wth it's not even the major exams yet so who am I kidding. Everyone else is coping fairly well, so what's my stupid excuse?

Maths lessons have been unbearable. Never fail to make me feel even worse about whatever I know(or mostly don't know). Telling others how I feel doesn't help cuz I don't feel any better. Recently I've been awake every single lecture, every single tutorial, paying attention and trying my best. But heck, I haven't been feeling any better. Nothing seems to be going right now. I don't like having to smile everyday in school just so people won't keep asking what's wrong. Penting all my frustrations deep down, am really afraid one day I might just break down.

Catherine why are assignments so incredibly hard to complete? Why can't you just be more disciplined and know when it's time for work and not just sleep and relaxation, for goodness sake. Stop being angry at yourself, just wake up and get working on everything you know you have to. Damn it.

14 more minutes to.. the next lesson, i think it's h1 = lit = zzz. But I've been staying awake for all my lessons recetnly and I think that's quite a huge accomplishment. =)

Managed to complete AQ and handed it up today, felt sooooo good. Thanks Pris for your company though you were busy making cards and we were both just doing our own stuff. Was really touched by the message on your little card though the side wasn't exactly cut straight, the words had to be read at a certain angle and had to be turned upside down before they could be read, it's the content that matters la okay. (: Really, it's such a fortunate thing that we still keep our word and meet up once in awhile. Family, yes? Alright will make a tribute to you soon k when I have the time. And let's meet up to study soon again k, love the times spent tgt.

Lastly thanks bb for the chocs ytd, and for fetching me to and fro and keeping me company. I think you're the sweetest ever and I promise I'll cherish you. Miss you.

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Movie with the girls today was great. Caught "Knowing" and well as expected, the ending was kinda crappy. But well, what matters most is the company and the plot wasn't too bad la huh. :) Funniest thing was when bird and arica thought I was crying cuz the world was ending. Omg, no. I just felt that the part where the family rekindled was really touching.. yeah that's it. Not because it was the end of the world -.-

Anyway, we agreed not to skip another lecture. Right, bird? Promise ah we attend all the lectures in future k. Haha love you girls :)

My Wake-Up Call.

I really hate what I'm going through now.

Dad yelled at me for nothing last night when I was half asleep. Woke up tired and fuming, and almost sent him a hate text thanking him for my spoilt day. I'm glad I didn't.

Because right now my heart has softened all over again for him, and he has admitted he was angry with my brother and other stuff last night, not at me. Tears were forcefully held back till I heard it coming straight from him. He was considering a divorce, said he couldn't take it anymore. I know I saw this coming, I've said I'd rather they split than face so much unhappiness at home everyday. But to see it become a fact stings, so so much. My heart aches, and it really hurts. He said he'll hang on till after A'levels. Said he didn't want it to affect me. But bloody hell I'm already affected. I feel incredibly useless now as I type, knowing there's nothing I can do, and that my tears won't make any damned difference. All his hopes are pinned on me now. I hate the expectations, the pressure. I hate this all because my family is falling apart.

Every day during morning prayer in school I think of my family's situation and pray for it to improve. I feel so desparate but what, what in the world can I do? Damn this whole thing. And tmr's match against ny is gonna be shit. Thanks to my oh-so wonderful team mates who refuse to work hard for this.

Sometimes I really wonder what I've done to deserve this. Other times I'm thankful for the people and things I still have. For friends, for people who genuinely care, for donny. And above all, I know bitching won't get me anywhere; the only way out now is to work hard and strive for the best I can be. It's gonna be tough, but I'm gonna try.